Stop Shouting and Connect: Have a Conversation
It seems like there are a lot of people shouting nowadays. Shouting about diseases, societal issues, politics; sometimes directed at one another, other times at nobody in particular.
It’s funny to me how conversation seems to have become a lost art, a beneficial element of society that we have for some reason chosen to forfeit. I’m reminded of this both when I engage in it -- resulting in a natural high and craving my next hit -- and when I see people mistake posting on social media for having a conversation.
Yeah, I said it: posting on social media is NOT conversation.
Let’s take Facebook for example. It is defined as an online social networking website where people can share opinions and information (like this article) and respond or link to the information posted by others. Similarly, Twitter is defined as a place to exchange ideas and information instantaneously. In both cases, people post info, others absorb it, and in some cases post their viewpoints in response.
Interactive information sharing? Sure. Conversation? Not quite. There’s just something…missing.
In thinking about what that might be and researching the concept of conversation, I came across this statement in one of its definitions: “The development of conversational skills and etiquette is an important part of socialization."
I’ll let that just sit there for a minute, and ask you to re-read it.
What stands out to you?
For me, it’s socialization.
Somewhat ironic, I know, but I guess what I’m saying is posting on social media can be somewhat counter-intuitive to socialization. And for me, socialization is full of moments of beauty and grace that come via a one-on-one verbal conversation, resulting in true human connection. There's a ton of scientific research out there on the physiological and psychological effects and benefits of this type of conversation, such as the chapter A Multisensory Perspective on Human Auditory Communication from The Neural Bases of Multisensory Processes.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is actual conversation begets socialization and makes us feel good.
Here’s an example. I went down to the Wilmington post office recently to apply for a passport. (Yes, that’s right, I’m 53 years old and I don’t have a passport. Go ahead and laugh.) When I arrived for my 10:30 appointment, I noticed there were two families of four ahead of me, going through the paperwork and application process for each parent and child. The USPS processor gave me a friendly heads-up, “Sorry sir, this is going to take a little while.”
No worries on my part. I was just happy to ensure that’d I be able to see my son and daughter-in-law when they are deployed overseas for a year in 2021. Still, I’ll be honest and say I was a little bummed at the prospect of spending a chunk of my weekend waiting in line.
I noticed a woman from one of the couples ahead of me looking over in my direction and talking to her husband. He glanced over, then left the line to go collect his two children who were playing a version of hopscotch on the post office flooring tiles off to the side. As he did, his wife walked up to me and said quite joyfully, “You can go ahead and cut in” before moving behind me in line.
“No, no, you’re fine, you don’t have to do that,” I mumbled from underneath my mask, but she shook her head and was insistent. I thanked her, and we started chatting. It turns out she and her family had gotten to the post office earlier for their appointment, which they’d made in concert with the other family – they were all close friends, with each couple serving as godparents to each other’s children. They were going stir crazy during COVID-19 quarantine, and decided to get passports to be ready to, “go somewhere we’ve never been, do something we’ve never done” once things get back to normal. Unfortunately, the USPS passport processor’s camera was broken, and this woman’s family had to leave and find a pharmacy to get their photos taken (their friends had theirs, so they stayed). Even though her family returned before I got there, the woman felt bad about taking up my appointment slot, hence insisting I jump ahead in line.
From there, the conversation kept going, with her asking me to thank my son and daughter-in-law for their service and tell them they’re proud of them, and my learning that her family relocated to Wilmington from New Orleans after Katrina (which led to a bunch of laughter about running from one hurricane to several new ones). Other topics discussed included public schools, teachers, the rebuilding of New Orleans, adoption, working from home with kids, and how nice people in Wilmington are. The conversation lasted for a good 10 minutes, and when it was over I felt invigorated.
This is the beauty and grace I was talking about, the true human connection. I don’t find it in social media rants. I don’t find it in disparaging remarks and sarcasm tossed around by friends and family like 140-character Tweets. I don’t find it in commentary from talking heads on TV, politicians, professional athletes or celebrities.
I find it in conversation.
Want to find it too? Give conversation a shot. I’m not saying talk to every single stranger you encounter on a daily basis. But if someone lets you jump ahead of them in line somewhere, maybe that’s an individual worth chatting with. Perhaps a friend or family member posts something on social media that gets you worked-up -- give them a call instead of posting a reply. When someone blurts out something troubling in front of you, ask them to step aside and talk for a minute rather than letting the remark fester. If you hear through the grapevine that someone you care about is thinking of doing something you deem inadvisable, pick up the phone and see if they have a few minutes for a heart-to-heart.
In any case, when you are having a conversation be sure to listen, and if the discussion becomes difficult or heated, try not to walk away; instead, explain how the conversation is affecting you, and try to reach common ground so when it’s finished you’ll be past it and moving forward.
Having a conversation isn’t always easy, but it sure beats shouting.
